Todd M. Siebert: The WIRE: Your week in review

Friday 29 July 2016

The WIRE: Your week in review

From Philly to Pyongyang — and most points in between — it’s time for a look back at the week that was. Personal Liberty Digest presents^®: The WIRE!

Walkouts, heckling, booing, rumors of Craigslist ads for seat fillers, flag-burnings and vocal disapproval of Hillary Clinton. Leave it to the Democrats to put on a convention that makes the Republicans look like a well-oiled machine.

I wouldn’t trust these knot heads with a Nerf ball, much less the future of the nation.

They were barely out of the gate when Republican nominee Donald Trump stole their thunder. Let’s see: Obama says Russia is no threat. Hillary lies about her email server. Trump makes a joke and Democrats spend entire week talking about Russia being a threat and Hillary’s email server. Guess what, Dems? You got played.

I believe he calls that “The Art of the Deal.”

The theme of the convention: unity. Apparently, not everyone got the memo.

Pictured: the dangers of relying on Wikipedia as a dictionary

But history was made at the Democrat Convention as Hillary shattered the “glass ceiling.”

Apparently, the “glass ceiling” holding women back in countries Hillary takes money from is another floor up.

Who better to speak on Hillary’s behalf than the guy who cheated on her regularly for 40+ years? Although, Bill Clinton’s rambling speech did seem to skip some big moments.

Someone must have hit the fast-forward button on the teleprompter just as it got to 1998. That’s so weird.

Nana’s “historic” speech was filled with standard digs at Trump, including “a man you can bait with a tweet you can’t trust with nuclear weapons.”

But you can totally trust the old lady who keeps the launch codes in the bathroom.

She got off a few more howlers, including promising “Wall Street, corporations and the super rich are going to start paying their fair share of taxes.”

Hillary promising to go after Wall Street is like Goldman promising to crack down on Sachs.

Although his speech contained 119 references to himself, President Obama did manage to throw the old girl a bone, claiming “There has never been a man or woman more qualified than Hillary Clinton to serve as President.” Um, never?

I feel like I’m forgetting someone.

Obama did show some love to outgoing Vice President Joe Biden, saying Biden “made me a better president.”

You mean you could have been worse?

During her speech, First Lady Michelle Obama said the election is “about who will have the power to shape our children for the next four or eight years…”

Remember when we used to delegate that sort of thing to parents? Good times.

Senator Elizabeth Warren slammed Trump, claiming he “preyed” on working people.

Like that time he pretended to be Native American for fun and profit? Oh, wait…

Among the Hollywood stars who graced the event: Lena Dunham and Sarah Silverman.

Yo, DNC! Next time, warn us before you throw these two onscreen so we can start a course of antibiotics.

The freak show that included Dunham also featured illegal aliens and even a guy who ran guns to the ultra-violent Sinaloa drug cartel.

The DNC picked a really weird theme this year.

Meet Senator Tim Kaine, Hillary’s choice to replace Joe Biden.

Oh look, another rich white guy. Because diversity!

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi took a turn spewing partisan invective at the country, although she looked a little bit — strange.

I’m sure it’s just a coincidence that the wax museum’s Hall of Villains was “closed for a private function.”

They didn’t protect the event from irony, but the huge barriers the Democrats erected outside their convention did keep undesirables from crossing their border.

I wonder if this miraculous technology could be deployed somewhere else?

A tragic final twist of the knife for the young and progressive wing of the Democrat Party as Senator Bernie Sanders personally laid delegates at Hillary’s feet.

Give the guy a break, kid. He’s crazy, not suicidal.

Two Islamic terrorists burst into a French church this week, brutally murdering an 84 year-old priest in the name of the group Obama dismisses as “J.V.” Both attackers reportedly had ties to ISIS; one was even wearing an electronic monitor due to previous contact with the group.

Of course, we can’t be certain of their motivations.

North Korea declared war on the United States this week. Apparently, someone forgot to change Junior Kim’s nappies.

Nothing to worry about. If he gets too riled, we can deploy our Worm-alyzer!

The North Koreans stated that the United States had “crossed a red line,” and threatened an armed showdown if the U.S. goes through with war games in South Korea next month.

Another victory for President Peace Prize.