Todd M. Siebert: The WIRE: Your week in review

Friday, 22 April 2016

The WIRE: Your week in review

From Chicago to Caracas — and most points in between — it’s time for a look back at the week that was. Personal Liberty Digest^® presents: The WIRE!

Treasury Secretary Jack Lew announced changes to American currency this week, with Underground Railroad conductor and abolitionist superhero Harriet Tubman replacing President Andrew Jackson on the $20 bill.

A black, Christian, Republican woman pushing out the tyrannical, white godfather of the modern Democrat Party? Works for me!

Senator Bernie Sanders saw his high hopes dashed after Hillary Clinton practically nuked him in the New York Democratic Primary. “Empire State of Mind” blared over the speakers as Nana took the stage to celebrate the massive victory.

It was so loud, I could barely hear the “gender studies” majors scraping the “Feel the Bern” stickers off their SmartCars.

But the Bernie babies didn’t take the beating lying down; issuing condemnations of Hillary’s campaign ethics and alleging ballot irregularities were proof of electoral fraud by Nana’s minions.

Democrats engaged in vote-rigging? When did this madness start happening?

During an appearance on the nationally-syndicated radio “The Breakfast Club,” Hillary Clinton told the urban-format audience that she always carries hot sauce in her purse. That’s gotta be some kind of record for awkward pandering to racial stereotypes.

I keep it next to the grape soda and Black & Milds, yo!

The hosts of the show also asked Nana if she would consider holding one of her fundraisers at a strip club. The old girl demurred, although some members of her team urged her to reconsider.

“Come on, Hilldawg! I’ll do all the scouting myself!”

Ultra-left wing Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) launched into a bizarre tirade against Senator Ted Cruz this week, accusing him of “whining,” and “constant attacks” on “…Muslims, LGBT folks.” Looks like Ol’ Fauxcahontas wants to ride shotgun on Nana’s wagon train.

With those cheekbones, she’ll lock down the pretend-Native American vote for a lot less “wampum.”

After Bill Clinton resoundingly proved he didn’t mix well with the kids last week, Hillary’s campaign sent him on some lighter-duty errands; dispatching him to visit senior citizens in assisted living facilities. This should work out super-well, right?

“Hey y’all! Which one of you is Goldman, and which one is Sachs?”

Hillary also enjoyed a lovely get-together with George Clooney and a few other regular, normal people who could afford the ticket price of $353,000. Clooney demonstrated pure Hollywood irony-proofing the next day, saying on Meet the Press that “the amount of money in politics is obscene.”

“I DISGUST MYSEEEELLLLFFFFF!”

ISIS declares a caliphate, Iran takes him to the cleaners, North Korea goes even more nuclear, the Russians step up their aerial provocations and now, the Chinese announced the successful test flight of an ICBM which can reach any spot in the United States. It’s another Obama foreign policy first!

Give him a few more months and Canada and Mexico will share a border.

The socialist paradise of Venezuela announced it will be initiating electricity rationing to go along with the food shortages which already threaten the stability of the House that Chavez built.

A quick peek at what the Food King will look like if Bernie Sanders gets elected; and that’s BEFORE the government turns the lights out.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel announced this week that she has greenlit the prosecution of a comedian for making fun of Turkish President Erdogan. Observers expressed surprise at Merkel’s decision, since Germany has a bit of a history with that sort of thing.

Arbeit macht funny.

According to the House Oversight Committee, Secret Service attrition has spiraled out of control since President Obama took office. Apparently, taking a bullet for the President just doesn’t attract qualified applicants like it used to.

If Hillary wins, they’ll be hiring replacements straight out of mall security guard school. She was such a pleasure to deal with last time.

How did the President and First Lady celebrate Earth Day? By flying to England… in separate planes… again. Nothing sticks it to so-called “climate change” like a carbon footprint bigger than a Soviet-era steel mill.

Michelle took the smaller plane, because she’s “green” like that.

Global warmist Bill Nye confused playing a scientist on TV with actually being one again, challenging renowned meteorologist Joe Bastardi to a bet over global temperatures while visually citing Bastardi’s own research in his “argument.”

“As Bastardi’s graph plainly shows, I’m as bad at reading as I am at science!”

Add DePaul University to the list of colleges that put the “high” in “higher education.” This week, the school’s Black Student Union accused the College Republicans of a “hate crime” over pro-Donald Trump messages drawn on campus in chalk.