From Caracas to Canada — and most points in between — it’s time for a look back at the week that was. Personal Liberty Digest® presents: The WIRE!
With another series of primary wins, it looks like Hillary Clinton has finally put Senator Bernie Sanders’ campaign in the rear view mirror. Reports filtered out late in the week that Uncle Grandpa was laying off staff; which makes no sense, because socialism.
He’ll keep a few people around to tell those kids to stay the hell off his lawn.!
On the Republican side, a nearly-mathematically eliminated Senator Ted Cruz announced that former candidate Carly Fiorina would be his running mate — if he were to somehow overcome a curvature-of-the-earth deficit and win in 2016.
In a related story, the Atlanta Braves announced their starting lineup for the 2016 World Series.
Former House Speaker John Boehner hitched his wagon to the Trump Train this week, calling Cruz “Lucifer in the flesh,” and saying “I have never worked with a more miserable son of a bitch in my life…” Cruz was reportedly enraged — that the pseudo-conservative Boehner hadn’t endorsed Trump earlier.
“If he would have done this six months ago, I’d be taking the Oath of Office by now!”
Boehner also suggested Vice President Biden could still jump into the race. “Don’t be shocked if two weeks before the convention, here comes Joe Biden parachuting in and Barack Obama fanning the flames to make it all happen…”
“And I’ll do it, right after I get someone to let me out of here”
Cruz dinged his own authenticity this week during a stop in basketball-crazy Indiana, where he referred to the hoop as a “basketball ring.”
“Maybe later we can go to the driving range, and I can hit a touchdown!”
Admitted child molester and Hillary spokeshole Lena Dunham promised an audience this week that she would abandon the country for Canada if Donald Trump wins the 2016 election. She declined to say what Canada had done to deserve such a cruel fate.
Is this about Bieber? At least he keeps his clothes on.
After Donald Trump pointedly noted Hillary’s tendency to use her “lady parts” as an excuse for her various high crimes and misdemeanors, the old girl doubled down, offering minions an actual “woman card.”
*Restrictions apply. Offer not valid to conservative or pro-life women or women who may have been raped by Hillary’s husband.
Nana got to the heart of the issues, sharing “25 things you don’t know about me” with renowned journalism outlet “US Weekly.” Not on the list: “I have a soul.” And in keeping with her “woman of the people” routine, she went with a SUPER-authentic picture.
Either the Photoshop guy got time and-a-half, or “I was in a freak belt sander accident” should have been on the list, too.
While Obama continues his policy of inviting violent illegal aliens to rape and murder their way through America, the Secret Service announced plans to raise the fence by 5 feet after repeated recent incidents of fence-jumping.
It still won’t be high enough to keep the irony out.
Down by the southern border, ISIS is now working with Mexican drug cartels to gain access to the United States. Mexico’s top diplomat, Foreign Minister Claudia Ruiz, said “The Obama administration and the American media are guilty of neglecting the phenomenon.”
By “neglecting the phenomenon,” she means “actively assisting the effort.” The Minister’s English is rusty.
But President Obama wasn’t done spiking the irony meter. During a presser with British Prime Minister David Cameron at 10 Downing Street, Obama told the British media “We consider it a major national security issue that you have uncontrolled migration into Europe.”
“Does this bloke even hear himself?”
Vladimir Putin’s Russian military continues to hassle our troops worldwide, with a Russian fighter flying within 50 feet of an American reconnaissance plane over the Pacific Ocean. For his part, Obama dismissed the provocations as not rising to a “presidential level.” What does rise to a “Presidential level?”
“I’m not sure. Let me ask Vlad what I think.”
When Donald Trump mangled the word “Tanzania” in a speech this week, mockery came from some unlikely sources. Chief Obama spokeshole Josh Earnest snarked “Apparently the phonetics were not included on the teleprompter.”
At least, that’s what the “corpse-men” (sic) told him.
The situation in the socialist paradise of Venezuela has gone from bad to ridiculous. With necessities already scarce and power outages now a part of daily life, President Nicolas Maduro cut public sector workers back to a two-day workweek. What’s worse: Socialism-induced hyperinflation has actually left them unable to afford to buy their own money.
Might as well make it a zero-day workweek. It’ll be worth every Bolivar — literally.
Over in the world of entertainment, pop singer Beyoncé Knowles released a new video in which the multimillionaire and BFF of First Lady Michelle Obama threw a destructive tantrum in the kind of neighborhood she avoids these days. Multiple theories abound as to what set her off, but I, um… lost interest.
Maybe the champagne on the jet wasn’t chilled to 43.5°.
And that’s your week in review! For the Personal Liberty Digest®, I’m Ben Crystal saying “See you next week, on The WIRE!”
The post The WIRE: Your week in review appeared first on Personal Liberty®.
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