The WIRE: Your week in review

From Cleveland to Clinton-land — and most points in between — it’s time for a look back at the week that was. Personal Liberty Digest^® presents: The WIRE!

Democrats tried to make a story out of Melania Trump’s opening night address to the GOP convention, shrieking bloody murder over the apparent plagiarism of a 2008 Michelle Obama speech. It’s like no one ever cribbed before!

“We are totally anti-plagiarism!” – Neil Kinnock and Deval Patrick

Plagiarism, disputed votes and even a former contender refusing to endorse the nominee. The Republicans might want to brush up on their organizing.

Starting to wonder which party’s convention I was watching.

From our “Leave it to the pros” file, big-time Trump financier Tom Barrack got weird during his Thursday night introduction of Ivanka Trump, referring to himself as “the anchovy to Ivanka’s Caesar salad.”

I had to fight the urge to pour bleach in my ear holes.

During his closing address, Trump noted Hillary’s legacy as Secretary of State was one of “Death, destruction, terrorism and weakness.” He left out “graft, corruption and perjury.”

Time was a factor. It’s a keynote address; not Wagner’s Ring Cycle.

“OMG! Laura Ingraham is giving a Nazi salute!” That’s great, kids. I can hit the “pause” button, too.

I mean, Hillary wouldn’t do it on purpose, right? Right?

During one of the protests outside the convention, a member of a group called the “Revolutionary Communist Party” accidentally set himself on fire while trying to burn an American flag.

Almost enough to make me rethink the whole “pro-life” thing.

Guess the DNC isn’t the hot ticket for Hollywood celebs organizers had hoped. Representing Tinseltown next week in Philadelphia: child molester Lena Dunham.

Their first choice couldn’t make it.

Hillary’s pandering went bilingual this week, launching a Spanish-language Twitter account. One small problem: the rich, old, white lady doesn’t actually speak Spanish.

“But I ate at Chipotle! That’s mucho bueno, right?”

Roger Ailes is out at Fox News after accusations of sexual harassment cropped up against the longtime network honcho. When are these evil men going to learn that no means no?!?

It’s more of a guideline than an actual rule.

President George W. Bush reportedly told friends that he’s worried he’ll be “the last Republican president.”

I’d be cool if you and Obama were the last from both of your parties.

Awkward moment for Secretary of State John Kerry, who almost got locked out of #10 Downing Street during a visit to London.

“Quick, while his back is turn — Oh! Hi, Mr. Secretary! We were just talking about you!”

Hillary promises to make overturning the Citizens United ruling a priority for her hypothetical presidency. Kinda like Obama was going to close Gitmo?

“Trust me, Nana. You’re supposed to clear stuff like that with Owner Soros.”

The difference between the police and (only) Black Lives Matter on display this week, as a BLM-inspired terrorist murdered three cops in Baton Rouge and then police in North Miami Beach shot a man for what appears to have been no reason whatsoever.

Cop shoots black guy: all police are racist pigs. Black guy shoots cops: we have “no idea” what motivated it. Riiight.

In addition to giving the Iranian government access to $150 billion, Obama’s prized deal also contained a secret side agreement allowing Iran to go nuclear years before Obama promised. Some deal.

We held firm on the foot rubs, though.

Check out the First Lady getting her groove on. At least, I think that’s the First Lady.

Either that, or Steve Urkel had another alter-ego: Stephanie Urquelle.

The ladies of the daytime TV gabfest The View weighed in on the convention, with comedienne Joy Behar suggesting the GOP’s platform reads like Mein Kampf.

That’s ridiculous, Joy. We all know you can’t read.

During the pseudo-news net’s convention coverage, MSNBC pit poodle Rachel Maddow throwing shade at professional golfer Natalie Gulbis, mocking the four-time LPGA winner’s current world ranking. Guess we know where Maddow’s “feminism” ends.

What’s the matter, Rachel? She turned you down?

In keeping with Obama’s ISIS “strategy,” a U.S. airstrike killed dozens of Syrian civilians who were mistaken for members of the Islamic terror group.

“If we make the whole place look like Detroit, maybe ISIS will surrender!”

Former Vice President and current carbon polluter Al Gore explained that the heat wave currently impacting the U.S. is caused by so-called “global warming” “global cooling” “climate change.” It’s hot in July? What fresh hell is this?

Kinda surprised Gore’s outside his bunker, seeing as how — according to him — the world ended in January.

And that’s your week in review! For the Personal Liberty Digest^®, I’m Ben Crystal saying “See you next week, on The WIRE!”

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