A fabulously wealthy old white lady got a year older this past weekend, and she threw herself one hell of a party to commemorate the occasion. In a spectacle befitting a woman of her lofty social station, Hillary Clinton shook her groove thing along with as many of her best friends as could swarm into New York as possible. All the cool kids were there, with pop music megastars like Katy Perry lending their megawatt fame to the lady’s big day. I’m sure Madame Clinton would have preferred entertainers a little more age-appropriate, but Woodstock-era musicians are getting a little thin on the ground these days. Not bad for a woman who used to be “dead broke” and hasn’t worked a day outside the public sector in 40 years.
Of course, Nana Hillary wasn’t the only one doing the whip and the nae nae to celebrate another year of senior citizen’s discounts. She was also toasting what her supporters seem convinced was the old girl’s best week on the campaign trail since mid-2007.
According to a media full-court press, which I’m sure isn’t the least bit scripted, Hillary just faced down the House Benghazi Select Committee like a boss. Evidently, they missed the stark revelations that she lied with the stone-faced aplomb of a serial killer. I suppose sacrificing a good friend and three other Americans to protect Sidney Blumenthal’s war profiteering racket is a mere trifle among liberals, as is tossing some poor sap in the clink for making a video you knew had nothing to do with the terrorist attack that took those four lives.
But there she was this weekend, facing nothing but clear skies and smooth sailing. Media outlets could barely contain their glee. The phrase most often used to describe her post-Benghazi grilling was “victory lap,” and Clinton was greeted with everything short of a full-on Roman triumph.
Yet there was a hint of desperation in the air. Katy Perry is a superstar, but she’s almost young enough to be Hillary’s granddaughter. The well-orchestrated “selfies” that Perry’s and Clinton’s people poured onto Twitter featured Perry’s dazzling smile and Clinton’s slightly confused imitation. The idea of a 68-year-old woman who bills herself as a “pantsuit aficionado” pretending that kicking it with Demi Lovato is her idea of the perfect birthday strains credulity nearly as much as the idea that the master of ceremonies, former President Bill Clinton, didn’t notice what Perry and Lovato look like in their party clothes. The whole soiree was a high-dollar version of “Seriously, you guys! Hillary Clinton is, like, so incredibly hip! OMG!”
And most people don’t celebrate their birthdays by begging for money. When my birthday rolls around, I get excited by Cheaper than Dirt gift cards and visits with my family. Hillary Clinton charges between $250 and $2,700 just to share a room with her. Were it not for some sticky rules about accepting foreign donations, she could have jacked prices up to match those of her family “foundation.” Despite fronting a super PAC-backed campaign that raked in $29.9 million in 2015’s third quarter, Hillary might as well have spent her big day screaming: “Brothers and sisters, can ya spare a couple grand?”
I thought she had the whole shebang in the bag? Rep. Trey Gowdy’s Benghazi inquest was all smoke and no fire — at least, none hot enough to cook through Hillary’s designer threads. She walked out of that chamber as free as IRS super-stooge Lois Lerner and as clear as former Attorney General Eric “Fast and Furious” Holder. What’s with the mugging for the cameras and grubbing for cash? Didn’t her performance on Thursday guarantee the Democratic nomination, if not the White House itself?
Not that our colleagues in the corporate media seem to have noticed, but Nana’s in a spot of trouble. As of Sunday afternoon, the woman who hit the campaign turbo-boosters and left those Republican Benghazi-obsessed turkeys in the dust has leapt all the way from a statistical dead heat to — a statistical dead heat. She’s still inside the margin of error against Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Stalingrad) in Iowa, and he’s putting the hammer and sickle to her in New Hampshire. And the doddering old socialist is also running neck-and-neck financially with the other doddering old socialist, matching the machine-backed Clinton nearly dollar-for-dollar of late.
Happy 68th birthday to Hillary Clinton! She’s got money, power and the full-throated support of seemingly everyone who matters. However, the one thing she doesn’t have — and is far from securing — is the only thing she really wants: the Oval Office. Moreover, she’s not actually any closer to getting it than she was when she was only 67. By the time she’s 69, it might not matter.
–Ben Crystal
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